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sundays are our nothing days. typically we get up late, late enough to skip breakfast and head straight to lunch. we keep our clothes in their drawers and closets and we cover up with blankets instead. we don't do our hair and we don't even think about makeup. we catch up on all our shows and we read books and we cuddle. we soak up a million baby smiles from a baby who found his voice and his smile this week.

i used to feel guilty about wasting an entire day in bed. but with a husband home only two days a week, weekends are made to be spent together in whatever ways we desire. we can stand to waste more than a few hours in bed. we can especially stand it when it's been raining for three days and nights and going outside in the rain with a baby is just not happening. so, we curl up, i tuck my legs under evan's, he propps maddox up between us and we start another episode of grey's anatomy and i fall in love over and over and over again with my boys and this simple but oh-so perfect life.

mother's day photoshoot

we did a little mother's day photo shoot because you can't beat 75 degree spring days in our secret photo spot with our new little (oh-so photogenic) man. and it was all sorts of perfect. my two favorite boys + sunshine + the prettiest blooming trees. i swear, i never noticed how absolutely gorgeous those pink and white trees are. every time we drive by one i beg evan to stop so i can take a picture. also i almost lost all of my iphone photos because i tried to restore my phone (music issues) and it restored to march 30, 2012. ummmm there was no maddox on march 30, 2012. ruined my whole day and i've never cried so hard over stupid technology in my life. don't worry, i got it figured out and retrieved all of my photos. thank sweet baby jesus for icloud and google. and if you're wondering how to get DIY ombre hair, just go ahead and dye your hair consistently for a lot of years and then get pregnant and take prenatal vitamins so that your hair grows really really fast and then stop dying your hair for nine months and your roots should grow out in your natural hair color and be a completely different color than your ends. voila! DIY ombre. you're welcome.

 

 

twenty five

24, you were a good year to me. ask me anytime last year and i might not have said the same thing. but now that it's over, now that i can look at the year as a whole and not just at the pieces as they appeared, i can honestly say that it was my best year yet.

+this time last year i was dealing with the end of a friendship and dealing with so much hurt and anger i could hardly get through a single day without lashing out to evan about that entire situation. i was just consumed by hurt and heartbreak and going into my 24th year, i was searching for closure and the ability to forgive. now i have both and it took an entire year for me to realize that it's not a simple thing you say and accomplish. it takes time and energy and work and it's an ongoing process. i have to choose love and forgiveness instead of resentment and anger every single time. but that was the biggest and most important lesson learned this year.

+this time last year evan was starting his internship at the church where he would work two full time jobs and weekends and i would see him sparingly for the next three hundred and sixty five days. my heart was breaking because if you know me, you know i need my husband and that i suck at sharing him. and we made it work. he changed his schedule a billion times for me so that we tried every single combination of schedules until we found one that worked. one that gave us a few nights off during the week and always at least one full weekend day. we had a schedule that allowed for three lunch dates during the week and that one was my favorite, even if it was short-lived. what also was my favorite was watching my husband lead serve groups around our town. then he started and lead(leads) a singles ministry and lead(leads) events for all the single people in our church. and i am so proud. it was a hard year. and it pales in comparison to what so many couples go through, but we are stronger and smarter and better time managers and we made it through an entire year with less time together than we've ever spent. and i am so proud of us. we. did. it.

+this time last year i wasn't pregnant. i wasn't planning on kids anytime soon. i wasn't preparing my house for a little bundle of joy to take it over. but here we are. one year later and i have the best life. if you would have asked me where i thought i'd be today, this life would not have been the one i'd have described to you. but oh how things change and become great. even the unplanned events that rock your world (like a wagon wheel) and change everything. uh, do more than change everything. i'm so happy with where i've ended up, no matter how unintentional that may be.

and this might have been my favorite birthday yet: a wonderful husband and a perfect baby boy + a few friends and SUSHI. FINALLY SUSHI.

when i was in the hospital i had blueberry muffins every morning for breakfast and since then i've been craving blueberry muffins like nobody's business. BUT. i hate raw suger and every. single. bakery is obsessed with raw sugar. if i'm eating a soft muffin, why would i want to also eat crunchy sugar? I DON'T. is the answer to that. so evan special ordered me some NO RAW SUG blueberry muffins (YEEEUM) and also bought me an espresso machine (double YEEEUM).

we sat in the park across from our house and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine (while it snowed like crazy in the states surrounding us-HA! it's not allowed to snow on my birthday). we did a little birthday shopping at target where evan didn't complain once about shopping and my indecisiveness or my complaints about WHY THE HECKFIRE ARE MY BOOBS SO BIG?! you don't even realize it until you try to buy a shirt with buttons. HEY OH. evan also bought me some tulips because every year when i was growing up i took pictures in front of my mama's tulips. then the tulips stopped blooming and she dug up the tulips and that was the same time that evan and i started dating and so he took over the tradition and now he brings me birthday tulips.

we also popped some tags, well evan popped tags and bought a $12 suit for a mad men party we're attending. except look how handsome my husband looks in it! (don't look. he's married.) i'm going to make him wear it all the time after i make sure there's no lice crawling on it or whatever sorts of things come from thrift stores. i tried on a billion dresses and failed at fitting into anything. but did win at sending evan a super attractive picture of myself with like 80 chins because he brought me a woman's (why do men not know what the "w" stands for?!) dress to try on and i said, "as if i need help looking like a whale." because, post pregnancy bod, get it togetherrrr.

we finished the night off with friends and sushi and a crying baby who peed through his "mommy loves me" onesie and adorable hoodie and of course the restaurant did not have a changing table because who needs that noise?

i love birthdays. ALSO? two embarrassing things happened on my birthday: 1) evan dropped and broke a porcelain cup at world market. shattered it. in front of a hundred people. 2) i opened a package in my car, the kind of package that is like bright orange envelope package where you rip open a tab to open it. then i walked around world market for like 15 minutes with a giant piece of bright orange envelope stuck to my crotch.

WE ARE AWESOME.
SLASH HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
[evan did not get me a chocolate cake for my birthday which is my one requirement, even before tulips because chocolate cake is my favorite favorite. so evan, when you read this, i'm adding chocolate cake to your tab. thanksloveyoubye.]

AND, in other additions to kind of crappy birthday happenings: maddox gave us his first REAL smile on wednesday, the day before my birthday. we get smiles all the time when he's falling asleep or sometimes when evan tickles his chin and his bottom lip. but this smile? this smile was an honest-to-God, legit i see you and i like you so i'm going to smile at you, smile. and the reason he did it? he saw evan. he was laying on MY tummy, while evan had his face all up in maddox's grill and was saying, "hi, maddox! hi, bud!" and maddox just let go of thee biggest smile. evan captured it on camera BUT the first smile was for his dad?! on the eve of my birthday?! poo on that. [i got four smiles the next day. within an hour. sort of evening out.] (excuse the crappy cell phone picture. what matters is that we caught it!)

sleep talk with a baby

sometimes all times, we like to talk in our sleep. it used to just be evan, but i've picked up on it, too. maybe it's because i'm exhausted or because my sleep schedule is completely jacked. whatever the reason, evan and i certainly do not need to be awake to have a conversation with one another.

here's what's been said over the past month:
(also keep in mind that maddox sleeps next to our bed in his rock & play because i'm attached to him and still sometimes need to put my hand on his chest to feel his breaths. don't judge. he'll sleep in his room eventually.)

/me: "his head keeps falling off! his head keeps falling off!"
evan: "are you feeding him?!"
me: silence.

/a few minutes later...
me: "i can't find him. he's between us." also me frantically hitting the sheets/bed between us.
evan: "WHAT?! WHAT?! WHERE IS HE?! WHY IS HE IN OUR BED???"
me: silence.

/one night maddox woke up screaming his head off to be fed and evan sat up in bed, leaned over me and shouted, "THAT'S MY BABY! THAT'S MY BABY!" then fell back into bed and was instantly back asleep.

/one night evan got up to feed him and brought him back in, put him in his crib and then left the room. it woke me up but not up enough to fully register what was happening so i dreampt/thought that evan had laid maddox on my chest. evan left the room for probably 2 minutes and i laid in bed with my hands on my chest holding this imaginary baby. when evan climbed back into bed i asked him to "put him in his crib." evan responded, "in his room?" "no." "do you mean the rock and play?" "no!" "what are you trying to say?" "no. take him off my chest." evan laughs. "he's in his rock and play." then i got mad. "do you know you're talking in your sleep?" i rolled over and went back to sleep.

in case you want to read more funnies from evan, there is this post and this post.

one month//dear maddox

dear maddox,

so. one month, huh? time is doing that annoying thing it does sometimes where it speeds on by and days melt into one another and suddenly you're at a milestone you wish had maybe taken just a little more time. you'll figure this out soon enough when your days don't consist of sleep, eat, poop, repeat. time also does this weird thing where it can't decide if it wants something to be just a moment ago or a hundred years ago. like your birth. only a month ago, but it feels like we just left the hospital and it feels like that happened years ago. all at the same time. you'll feel this awkward pull on your time and memory soon enough. but first slow down, my growing boy. let your mama enjoy this new born stage a little bit longer.

our days consist of a lot of cuddles. lots and lots of cuddles. it's true what they say about babies, that you can stare at them for hours. in fact, i could lose days just staring at your sweet face. to keep a handle on that, that's how i spend your feedings. i memorize every feature before i put you down to sleep and by the time you're awake, you've already changed a little bit more. you've started staring into my eyes while i feed you and i can physically feel our connection growing stronger. i pray over you during every feeding. for protection and guidance for all of us but especially you. i pray that you would be wise, intelligent, bright and kind. i pray against evil and heartbreak and things like impatience and anger and hurt. i pray that you would be a servant and would love africa as much as your daddy and i. i pray that you would change this world and i know that God will do great things with you.

i'm your mama so i'm obviously in love with everything you do (your burps and messy diapers included). but there are some things that i just can't get enough of:

your sneezes. usually they come in threes but sometimes you'll get to the point of no return and there's not a sneeze there, so you make the cutest little cooing sound instead. every time i see your face in its sneeze-prep mode, i hope for that little fake sneeze. and then proceed to tell you how incredibly adorable and perfect you are. because it is true.

the face you make when you're hungry. it's this pursed lip, raised eyebrow face. i die every time. not only do you make this face but you shake your head. your daddy and i absolutely adore this and we've stolen it as our new thing (but you are much better at it, sweet boy).

your faces. every single one is so great and full of personality. you're a character already. when you're not scrunching up those eyebrows you're staring so intently at us, trying to figure us out. you love to sit face out and see the world, get a first-row seat to all the things.

your sleeping smiles. we never fail to get a few smiles out of you while you're falling asleep. i can't wait until you have real smiles to share with us in a few weeks, but i'll take these sleeping ones and the few awake ones, too. sometimes you even smile after mama kisses, which kills me and also because mama kisses are the best kind. (don't you EVER forget that.)

you've already mastered the fake cry, and it's the best! maybe you'll be an actor. it starts off with a few fake coughs and then one good "wail" and i tell you to "stop lyin, little lion man!" and you stop, but not for long. your daddy just wails back at you and you look at him with complete annoyance like he's totally stealing your moment and all the attention. at first you were in complete shock--like, "what do you want ME to do about it, man?!" i already know this fake cry will turn into such a game between us.

you have a real cry though, too. your daddy saw it for the first time a few days ago and it almost made him cry. so don't do that anymore. sometimes you just get so frustrated that your bottom lip shakes and you make this sound like a tiny little piglet. other times you're so upset that you can't even breathe. and for a few seconds your eyes are clamped shut and your mouth is wide open and your face is turning red and i have to hold you close and tell you that everything is okay and just wait for it to pass. that's the cry your daddy saw and it broke his strong mans-man heart. you've basically melted him into a giant puddle, not to mention me.

i can't believe how smart you are. when you're hungry and you're being held up, you hold yourself away from us and fall to the side because you know exactly where the food comes from. sometimes in bed i'll put you on your tummy on my legs and you'll push and crawl your way up, all the way to my chest because like i said, you know exactly where the food comes from. the only thing you're a little confused on is where the food comes from on your daddy. you're a little confused that mama's the only one with the goodies, but it's funny to see you try. persistent and determined you are.

you love to hold hands, especially when you're eating. and your grip is so strong, i'm amazed at how strong you've become in just a few short weeks. you have rattles and balls and stuffed animals to squeeze and pull on to increase your strength even more, but your favorite toy is mama's hair. you would think i'd learn to wear it up or out of the way, but i don't and you pull and tug and wrap my hair around your tiny little fingers and rip it out with such force. i even found one of my hairs in your diaper. i have no idea how it got there, but let me tell you something your daddy wants you to know: mama's hair is everywhere at all times.

it's only been one month but i already can't remember our life before you. i can't imagine today being april 26, 2013, and you not being here to wake me up with that scrunched up pouty face and those stinky diapers. i can't imagine a world without you. you've made our lives so much richer and fuller and they're filled with so much love. we have been so blessed and i am just so thankful that God chose me to be your mama.  my heart bursts each time i pick you up, each time i see your face, each time i think of you. 

i love you so much, sweet boy. i can't wait to watch you grow up and your personality blossom. i can't wait to see who you become. whoever it is, you're going to be amazing. i love you, i love you, i love you.

love, mama


[fox hat c/o jess judkins, my charming colors]

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everyone says that maddox looks so much like me. which is true, he looks nothing like evan and everything like me. which is also weird because he's a boy and i'm a girl and that's maybe what i'd look like if i were a boy? except for that i have a brother and i think that we look nothing alike and so we pretend that he's adopted but maybe if i were a boy i'd look like my maybe-adopted brother, too.

rambling.

his faces, too. this one-eyebrow raise with a wrinkly forehead. i do that. and his hands over his face when he sleeps. i do that. and his stubbornness. already. i do that, too.  and his teeny tiny bladder that just can't hold it for more than five minutes. i do that. and his attitude. and his always & forever hunger. and his love affair with sleep. and his love affair with fighting sleep when he needs it most. and his non-hitchhiker thumbs. and his deep blue eyes. and his dark hair. his dark skin. his nose. his lips. his dimple.

mine. mine. mine.


it's weird seeing yourself in another person. wondering what qualities he'll get from me and which ones he'll get from evan. i could make a list of all the things i hope he passes on, my quick anger and road rage and defensiveness and fear of confrontation and shyness and the things that i hope he clings to from evan, his smile and ability to sing and desire to help and selflessness and protectiveness and ability to love and level head. and you have this child and you see the things in you that you hate and you slowly start to better yourself, like forgiving quicker and removing negativity and being patient and trying to not be annoyed by the people who don't use their blinkers as long as they don't drive like a crazytown around you and your baby. and you want to be the best you that you can be so this baby will mimic that you and hopefully won't see the bad you and if this baby does, hopefully those good parts outweigh and overshadow the bad.

oh, but he's perfect. my little mini me.
[little booties & hat c/o meghan, pleasantly plump knits]

maddox's baby pictures

week one

maddox is a little over a week old and we've been home from the hospital for exactly a week AND today is our 1000th day of marriage. (i only know that because evan wrote me a letter because i have the best husband and the best son in the world.)

we're already falling into our roles so easily. 3:00 am feedings aren't getting any easier but i welcome any time i get to cuddle with my sweet baby boy. even if it is in the middle of the night and he is wide awake. and even if he poops in 10 different diapers within a span of 15 minutes. (exaggeration, but that basically happened. he's a stinker.)

oh, but we love him. i just never knew there could be another human i could love so feircly. and this human that is half of me and half of evan who steals my heart on a daily basis. he's a mama's boy for sure, but he saves his sweet smiles for his dad. those wrinkly forehead faces are all mine, though, all mine.

i could just eat him up, i love him so.