double

For the fourth anniversary of my 24th birthday (when all your friends tell everyone they know that it's your 24th, YES. Keep them.), I got my nose double pierced. I've wanted to do it for seventeen-years but never had the courage to. So, here's a quick back story on my 4A24B (LOLOLOL): Evan had to go on a leadership retreat for the church so I knew I had to do something fun for myself or I'd sit at home and cry. So, since I've wanted my nose pierced again forevs, I decided to just do it. In the secret because ME. My 4A24B. I called and made an appointment. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN from the moment I spoke to the homie on the phone that this was a bad idea. A BAD IDEA. I REPEAT. BAD IDEA. But I'm like NO. It's MY BIRTHDAY. YOU DO YOU, L.

Here's our FIRST convo:

"What time works for you?" -him
"Anytime!" -me
"Are you an anytime girl? I like an anytime girl."-him
*laughs uncomfortably*-me
"Sorry I'm so playful right now. I have to do a serious piercing in a minute."-him 

FIRST INSTINCT TO GTFO. But I didn't. Because sometimes when I set my mind to something, nothing will deter me from getting it done. Apparently even weirdo piercing men.

So today. I started with getting my birthday drink from Starbs, obvi, a giant coffee the size of two of my heads. And I also got Maddox a drink because I'm considerate like that but also my ulterior motive was to distract him so that he'd chill out and behave since I have three thousand people who daily offer to watch Maddox when I need it, but obviously not when I'm getting my nose double pierced. And then my first mistake: I took my giant (technical size term: two adult heads) drink into the store. And he was like, "I'm nervous about them." Like, I'm not gonna spill my giant coffee that I got for free, homie. (But then I almost did and that would have been not hilarious today but maybe tomorrow when I stopped crying about it.) And actually, the first thing he said to me was, "I remember you." And I was like, "Nope." Because I've never met this man in my life. Ever. Never.

So. All I want is for him to PLEASE put another hole in my nose. Instead he takes exactly ONE FULL HOUR to do so. Here are the things that happened in that hour:

1. He called Maddox a girl so rapid-fire I could not correct him. "She's so cute!" "She's a little model." "She's so loud!" "She's going to spill her drink!" No. SHE IS NOT A SHE.

2. Right after five-hundred "she's," he said, "I have really good intuition. When I guess what color would look good on your face, that's me honing my intuition." BUT COULDN'T USE HIS INTUITION ON MY S-O-N. Boy. She's a he. Boy.

3. Took me to the piercing room and kept complimenting my nose. JUST SHOVE A RING THROUGH IT I DON'T EVEN CARE AT THIS POINT.

4. Lined it up for 45-minutes.

5. A lady came in who got one of those weird headache piercings and she cried because her headaches were gone and she got her life back but sadly she lost a ball from the hoop. (You have to have the ball on the hoop or the headaches come back, guys.)

6. The man said to the lady, "This is Maddox; (you guys, Maddox for a girl?! COME ON USE YOUR quote unquote INTUITION, MY FRIEND), she's so cute!" Lady responds, "Hi, Madison!"

7. I can't.

8. After they discuss him being a girl for a few minutes, Maddox eventually says, "I a girl. I not a boy anymore." OH MY GOSH WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

9. We finally get to the piercing stage.

10. Maddox is playing a game on my phone. The man says, "Now, that's not going to ring or make ANY noise while I'm doing this, is it?" I turn it on airplane. FOUR POINT ONE SECONDS LATER, no less than 15-phones in the establishment all start ringing and vibrating at once. As if I'm a distraction. JUST PLEASE. And then five hundred people walk in to buy all his weird flag/curtain crap. And ask to watch my nose piercing but then leave when they realize I'm not getting naked. I'M SERIOUS.

11. He then asks me what my husband does. I say, "He's the college pastor at our church." IN AN ESTABLISHMENT WITH TONS OF WEIRD FLAGS AND INCENSE AND DRUGS. He proceeds to tell me a story where he went to a dinner party and the hosts wouldn't stop smiling so he farted. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING but I laugh hysterically/awkwardly because I don't know what else to do and I don't want to die today. It's my birthday.

12. He proceeds to cuss a lot because he thinks it's funny that I'm involved in church.

13. CUTE.

14. No-more-headaches-lady basically babysits Maddox while all of this is happening. He is saying, "I the HULK!!!!" "I play Alex's drums at church!" Plenty of boy things. She keeps complimenting Madison on how cute she is. EYE ROLL.

15. The man makes me lay down to pierce my nose and tells me to relax. I have never been so nervous/stiff/stressed out in my life. I could not be more rigid if I was three-days dead.

16. HE FINALLY PIERCES MY NOSE.

17. He makes me lay there for another 100-minutes to calm down. Tells me to breathe and then hands me a weird stick. QUESTION MARK, WHY. And then tells me it is my birthday wish stick and to make a wish and when I'm ready to break the stick. He's still holding on to it. I'm like, a wishbone? Nah, I'm all set. But it's weird so I do it. Immediately. I'm so stressed out I can't even think of half of a wish. I'm literally thinking, "PLEASE GOD LET ME NOT DIE TODAY AND GET ME THE HECK OUT OF HERE." And I break the stick. With his end, he starts TAPPING ME ON THE FOREHEAD. WHAT. THE. WHAT. As like, I don't know, some kind of voodoo. And then rubbing my temple! And then tapping the top of my head! I AM NOT RELAXED BECAUSE THAT IS A SHARP STICK!

18. He shows me my piercing and says some rude thing about how I can see my piercing but not God. What? I don't know. Leave me alone.

19. He finally lets me sit up. BUT THEN I HAVE TO SIT THERE BECAUSE HE MADE ME LAY DOWN AND NOW I'M GONNA PASS OUT.

20. He starts up a flip-phone from the year 100. He SHAKES IT AS IT TURNS ON. As if it's an etch-a-sketch. IT IS NOT. IT IS A FLIP PHONE. Half the first-world population under 15 doesn't even know what that is. Get rid of it. He takes a picture of me. Because congrats on taking 400-days to put a new hole in my nose. Then takes one of Maddox and I. Calling him a her 4524 more times.

21. Teaches me how to clean it. I don't listen because Maddox is telling me he has to pee and I'm concerned I'm about to get peed on.

22. He hugs me over the counter. What? We don't need to touch. You just intimately had your hands in my nose and I think that was enough for me.

23. I RUN AWAY. NEVER TO RETURN.

You have to write these things down or they technically didn't happen.