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i want to remember the quiet mornings after maddox has been fed and we curl up together in our bed and sometimes evan works from home or skips the gym and stays in bed with us and we all lay together for a few extra hours. i want to remember little baby snores and sleeping smiles and the way he stretches himself out. i want to remember how he'll only go to sleep if he's hugging his blanket. i want to remember his growl and how he sometimes growls at his pacifier or the blanket. i want to remember how, at 18 weeks, he went back to only wanting to sleep on my shoulder and so we spent a lot of time in the rocking chair. i want to remember the tears i cried the first night i put him in his crib. i want to remember the first time i saw him reach for a toy in his bouncy chair. i want to remember his silky skin and his sharp toe nails. i want to remember how he lightly scratches things now, like my arm or his sheets when he's asleep. i want to remember how he rolls to one side if he's putting himself to sleep. i want to remember how long he is and how big his feet are, yet how skinny he is. i want to remember how often i cut his fingernails and the first time i did that by myself. i want to remember how he'll fall asleep sitting up if you bounce him on your leg. i want to remember how i put him on his tummy and he could hold himself up all of the sudden. i want to remember the first time he rolled over in his crib and then did it again and got his foot stuck between the bars. i want to remember the squealing laugh and the real laugh and the other laughs, too. i want to remember all the noises. i want to remember every new thing he learns, like sucking on his upper lip or making the "pppft" sound. i want to remember all the bubbles and the drool. i want to remember how he will grab my fingers and shove them in his mouth and chew. i want to remember sitting on the porch before evan comes home. i want to remember how much he loves when i sing "little bunny foo foo" and "there was an old lady who swallowed a fly." i want to remember sitting on the porch as a family in the evening. i want to remember those blue eyes. those i want to remember.

i want to remember every single waking moment. i want to store them in jars in the back of my closet so that when this one is growing up into temper tantrums and talking back and other boy things that aren't very pretty, i can pull out my memories of this sweet baby and relive them once more. i want to hold onto all of these moments and not let them sift through my hand like sand. i want one more minute, just one more second before the clock starts moving again and my baby turns another day, another month, another year older.