Tuesday, July 2, 2013

a series of unfortunate events

do you know what the absolute worst part about summer is? not the fact that it's almost 100 degrees here all week and our A/C equals one window fan in our bedroom and our basement. a basement is not a suitable substitute for A/C, ya'll.

no. the worst part about summer is the moths. what is the purpose of these creatures anyway? there are approximately 9142850423 other bug species for birds to feed on. i think they'll survive if we take one away.

every night evan and i go on a moth murder spree in our home. and heaven help us if we come home after dark because fifty billion moths attack our garage light and we have to bat them away as we try and wrangle the car seat out of the car and make it inside without letting one (or 50) of those vile creatures into our house. and then we have to spend 45 minutes killing all the moths because the second you think you've got them all, four more materialize out of thin air. they're basically the equivalent of that dragon monster thing with the heads in hercules.

here's something you should know about me: i'm terrified of flyswatters. i have this irrational fear that the germs from the previous bugs you smashed with that thing, multiply and creep down the handle. so, every time you swing that thing through the air, bug guts and germs and disease goes flying through your house. i have to put all food and drink away before i can kill a bug with that thing. and evan just acts like it ain't no thang and whips that thing around infecting every surface of our home with dead flies and moths. ew. just, ew.

i'm getting so distracted.

LAST NIGHT. last night i got up to get a drink of water and FIVE moths were flittering around my dining room light. flittering is probably not a correct description as they were more or less head butting my light bulb and making that god-awful noise moths make when they ram their beady little brainless heads against a hot light. (by the way, how does this not kill them? they are demon spawn.)

so i got out the disgusting flyswatter and basically did my best psycho impression on that family of moths. in the process i broke my dining room light and managed to smear moth dust on my ceiling, of which i am not tall enough to reach to clean and climbing a ladder is a whole different fear we can talk about tomorrow.

i slayed them all and was going to just leave their furry little bodies on the ground for evan because as this was happening and i was screaming each time a moth dive-bombed my face, he was laying in bed laughing at me. so i was going to leave them as a present. because that's how nice i can be sometimes.

but i decided to sweep them up because what would probably happen is i would get up again for another glass of water and i would step on one or five of their little furry dusty bodies and that's just gross. so i cleaned them up. i also like to let them suffer (like the other day one idiot flew into my water glass so i let it drown.) so i watched the antenna twitch on one and thought that was the only semi-alive one.


when i scooped it into the dustpan i flipped it from it's back to it's front and it was all, "hey, JK! i'm alive! thanks for putting me right-side-up so i can ruin your life some more!" so i threw it in the trash real quick and slammed the lid. it was definitely going to get poisoned by the raw chicken juice in my trash and die and violent death.

BUT THEN. i turned out to be an idiot. i saw a piece of paper on the ground next to the trash can. A PIECE OF FLIPPING PAPER. i picked it up and opened the trash can and out flew that dang trickster moth. of course it couldn't just fly out and go on its merry little way only to be struck down in a few hours by spontaneous cardiac arrest from my earlier swat. no. it had to fly right into my hand and hang out for at least a second, getting it's gross moth dust all over me.

then i went to the bathroom before going back to bed and i felt a little something something on my arm. i thought it was the moth and if i carried the moth on my arm from my kitchen to my bathroom i was going to flip. out. but no. it was worse. it was a spider. a spider on my arm. so i screamed. evan came running (good to know i have to scream like 64 times before he'll check on me) but i was essentially fine. i mean, if you count curling into the fetal position in the corner, "fine." what's the worst though is that i couldn't find the spider after i knocked it off me. and where the heckfire did it come from anyway?

i've successfully discussed three of my biggest fears in this post. but really, you can't categorize my fears because they're all irrational and ridiculous and equally as terrifying.

evan thinks it's "cool" to catch moths in his hands and then kill them. i do not. what's also not cool is the fact that the tiny space between my glass front door and my wood front door is home to about 50 bajillion moths and you can't go in or out without being assaulted. i need to perform a moth exorcism on my house.

did you also know that you can be allergic to moths? well you can and i am.

and here's an adorable picture of maddox so you can think about him instead of those gross moths. it's like watching a scary movie before bed. except this is real life. so: cute baby who loves his hands but has to use both to suck on just one. adorable.

15 loves:

  1. Oh my goodness you kinda have to laugh at theses things ps id dont like moths one hit me in the ear and i gotten freak outs with bees i just run away from them during the nature photos and picture me and my mom had to catch that faces of that ps on my blog yes, i feel bad for you though i hope you will bee good night tonight. :)

    what sweetly pie picture of Maddox!! :)

    1. they're pretty gross, huh! and thanks! i sure do like that picture of him. =]

    2. Ya last night kinda had an scream of that lol only one though, yes they are gross, you're are very welcome! i do to! =)

  2. we used to have moth problems! but then.
    my dad put dish soap in a bucket with some water (i'm pretty sure that's all it was; you can google it) and held it up by a light, and all the moths flew in and got stuck and died.

    the best.

    1. that is the very best.

      definitely going to try it tonight. last night i killed like 13. do these things just mate and mate and mate? i mean. stop it.

  3. I remember how bad those moths can be in Montana!! They make a nice appearance in Colorado, but now as bad or should I say yet. I too do not like them and I am very much afraid of spiders!!! I make Jon kill both of those creepy things. Heaven if one is semi dead and it gets away, I will hunt it down to make sure it is dead before I go to sleep. I have this fear that it will somehow end up in my bed because I didn't kill it the first time.
    So you are not alone with this fear...maybe it is a family thing.


    1. seriously. disgusting! i hate spiders, too. like, cannot handle. i am afraid they're going to crawl on me when i sleep. i have to hunt them down, too. it's probably in our genes or something. for sure.

  4. Luckily, we don't have a moth problem in Florida.
    Even more lucky for us we have these strange peanut bugs that decide to coat our driveway while they slowly die from who knows what. Hundreds of them, and they are gross and having to avoid from stepping on them is beyond difficult.

    It sounds like that moth hated you. LOL. Sounds like a super traumatic event. Ugh!

    1. that sounds disgusting. i wonder if it's too humid for them in FL? well no. because it's like a freaking tropical weather climate up here right now and there seems to be no deterring these bitches. but those peanut bugs are horrible sounding. die in the grass where i don't have to deal with you. please and thanks.

  5. Oh yes, those ugly creatures - don't know how to get rid of them but for the spiders that equally freak me out we use Tempo - it is safe for in door use and outside. Spray around your foundation, door sills, basement and you will not see a spider... we do it twice a year. We buy it at Cenex but I am sure you can get it at Walmart or maybe Shiptons... great product. Amd yes, Lisa it must run in the family...It does make for a funny story and Maddox slept through it all ☺

    1. i think i have some of that! i have something we spray around the foundation! I need to break it out/buy more because it worked wonders last year.

    2. ps. maddox sleeps through anything. it's a talent, i tell ya.

  6. Haha...I couldn't help but laugh the whole time I was reading this because moths gross me out as well but flyswatters gross me out more! They are gross! And as I see them hit objects in order to attempt to kill the targeted bug it makes me think the whole object is super dirty as well! Do you have a light above your kitchen sink or bathroom sink? At night, leave the light on above the sink (whichever one you choose)and leave water (1/4-1/3 full at least with some Dawn Dish soap mixed in. The light reflects off of the water and they attacke the water instead of the light and die...just get Evan up before you to clean the sink out for you...haha... Good luck with the situation!

    1. seriously, YES. flyswatters are disgusting. i hate them and i also hate plungers. but that's another story.

      i'm gonna try this light trick. you're the second person who told me about it. LOOK OUT MOTHS.

  7. Oh. My. Gosh.
    What an unfortunate adventure!
    I'm with you on flyswatters. I refuse to own one. Gross. I'll squish it with tissue then THROW IT AWAY or, you know, spray pests to death. Surely insecticide is less gross and germy and dangerous than flyswatters. Right? Right.

    I love how you tell it, though. I died. I'm sorry that I laughed, but, my gosh, how perfectly awful.

    And your little boy--he could NOT be any CUTER!!! My gosh!!! XD