one month//dear maddox

dear maddox,

so. one month, huh? time is doing that annoying thing it does sometimes where it speeds on by and days melt into one another and suddenly you're at a milestone you wish had maybe taken just a little more time. you'll figure this out soon enough when your days don't consist of sleep, eat, poop, repeat. time also does this weird thing where it can't decide if it wants something to be just a moment ago or a hundred years ago. like your birth. only a month ago, but it feels like we just left the hospital and it feels like that happened years ago. all at the same time. you'll feel this awkward pull on your time and memory soon enough. but first slow down, my growing boy. let your mama enjoy this new born stage a little bit longer.

our days consist of a lot of cuddles. lots and lots of cuddles. it's true what they say about babies, that you can stare at them for hours. in fact, i could lose days just staring at your sweet face. to keep a handle on that, that's how i spend your feedings. i memorize every feature before i put you down to sleep and by the time you're awake, you've already changed a little bit more. you've started staring into my eyes while i feed you and i can physically feel our connection growing stronger. i pray over you during every feeding. for protection and guidance for all of us but especially you. i pray that you would be wise, intelligent, bright and kind. i pray against evil and heartbreak and things like impatience and anger and hurt. i pray that you would be a servant and would love africa as much as your daddy and i. i pray that you would change this world and i know that God will do great things with you.

i'm your mama so i'm obviously in love with everything you do (your burps and messy diapers included). but there are some things that i just can't get enough of:

your sneezes. usually they come in threes but sometimes you'll get to the point of no return and there's not a sneeze there, so you make the cutest little cooing sound instead. every time i see your face in its sneeze-prep mode, i hope for that little fake sneeze. and then proceed to tell you how incredibly adorable and perfect you are. because it is true.

the face you make when you're hungry. it's this pursed lip, raised eyebrow face. i die every time. not only do you make this face but you shake your head. your daddy and i absolutely adore this and we've stolen it as our new thing (but you are much better at it, sweet boy).

your faces. every single one is so great and full of personality. you're a character already. when you're not scrunching up those eyebrows you're staring so intently at us, trying to figure us out. you love to sit face out and see the world, get a first-row seat to all the things.

your sleeping smiles. we never fail to get a few smiles out of you while you're falling asleep. i can't wait until you have real smiles to share with us in a few weeks, but i'll take these sleeping ones and the few awake ones, too. sometimes you even smile after mama kisses, which kills me and also because mama kisses are the best kind. (don't you EVER forget that.)

you've already mastered the fake cry, and it's the best! maybe you'll be an actor. it starts off with a few fake coughs and then one good "wail" and i tell you to "stop lyin, little lion man!" and you stop, but not for long. your daddy just wails back at you and you look at him with complete annoyance like he's totally stealing your moment and all the attention. at first you were in complete shock--like, "what do you want ME to do about it, man?!" i already know this fake cry will turn into such a game between us.

you have a real cry though, too. your daddy saw it for the first time a few days ago and it almost made him cry. so don't do that anymore. sometimes you just get so frustrated that your bottom lip shakes and you make this sound like a tiny little piglet. other times you're so upset that you can't even breathe. and for a few seconds your eyes are clamped shut and your mouth is wide open and your face is turning red and i have to hold you close and tell you that everything is okay and just wait for it to pass. that's the cry your daddy saw and it broke his strong mans-man heart. you've basically melted him into a giant puddle, not to mention me.

i can't believe how smart you are. when you're hungry and you're being held up, you hold yourself away from us and fall to the side because you know exactly where the food comes from. sometimes in bed i'll put you on your tummy on my legs and you'll push and crawl your way up, all the way to my chest because like i said, you know exactly where the food comes from. the only thing you're a little confused on is where the food comes from on your daddy. you're a little confused that mama's the only one with the goodies, but it's funny to see you try. persistent and determined you are.

you love to hold hands, especially when you're eating. and your grip is so strong, i'm amazed at how strong you've become in just a few short weeks. you have rattles and balls and stuffed animals to squeeze and pull on to increase your strength even more, but your favorite toy is mama's hair. you would think i'd learn to wear it up or out of the way, but i don't and you pull and tug and wrap my hair around your tiny little fingers and rip it out with such force. i even found one of my hairs in your diaper. i have no idea how it got there, but let me tell you something your daddy wants you to know: mama's hair is everywhere at all times.

it's only been one month but i already can't remember our life before you. i can't imagine today being april 26, 2013, and you not being here to wake me up with that scrunched up pouty face and those stinky diapers. i can't imagine a world without you. you've made our lives so much richer and fuller and they're filled with so much love. we have been so blessed and i am just so thankful that God chose me to be your mama.  my heart bursts each time i pick you up, each time i see your face, each time i think of you.

i love you so much, sweet boy. i can't wait to watch you grow up and your personality blossom. i can't wait to see who you become. whoever it is, you're going to be amazing. i love you, i love you, i love you.

love, mama


[fox hat c/o jess judkins, my charming colors]