Tuesday, November 22, 2011

i lost my place but i can't stop this story

i remember when they made me go to that not-so-empathetic therapist after her accident. in the basement of a house-turned office, who was the father of one of my coworkers which made it nearly impossible for me to do what they wanted. which was pour my heart out to him so he could neatly wrap it up in a condensed report and prove to them that i was fine. instead, i kept it not-so-neatly, but very tightly, packed away and just unpacked a few things to satisfy him and them and prove that i would be okay. he told me to focus on my current task. okay, so you're brushing your teeth. front tooth, front tooth, back and gums. i've never forgotten that advice because it doesn't work. my mind refuses to stop when it starts. and when i wake up remembering it consumes my entire day.  i practice talking myself through my current tasks. right turn, slow down, stop. look both ways, wait...okay go. in between, that's when it creeps up. it's not what you think, because that only creeps in when i walk to my car at night in the dark. it's the other things. it's what you said three weeks ago. it's who you dated when we broke up. it's how you reacted when i showed you my colors. it's how you act when you're near me. it's the way you used me. i can't unpack the millions of reasons why i constantly feel like i'm on the verge of tears. why a single word will bring a flood of memories. why a thought that once flashed through my mind now lives there permanently. why i live behind walls that i can so easily disguise because i'm too messy to unpack everything and teach myself to just breathe, breathe, breathe.

3 loves:

  1. I don't know what the issue is but I do know that "let go, let God - if he brought you to it, he will get you through it" The longer it lays inside the bigger the burst will be - its inevitable and will come out in some form or fashion at some unsuspecting/inopportune time. Take each memory and try to come to terms with it - doing it all at once can do you in...... and ask for peace to replace the torment.

    Love ya - Dolly

  2. I love you and I can completely sympathize with the feelings that come from something horrible that you can never make go away. I'm always, always, always here to listen if you ever need to talk about it. <3

  3. I heart you. I'm so thankful for your bravery to share your daily struggles. Mine aren't the same as yours but it helps knowing that other people struggle with the day to day living as well.