my heart

i've kept this to myself since last year when i found out i was going back to ethiopia. after the last trip, leaving and thinking i'd never be back, being broken hearted and lost... but God fixed that all up, patched my heart, and made all things new. (just like always.)



this is different.

ever since i received the confirmation letter that i was on the team, i've had this terrible feeling in my heart. just this black cloud over getting there. first, it was the literal "getting there." the airplanes. i despise, hate, loath entirely, riding in an airplane. thinking about it makes me want to puke. i hate when planes hit that air pocket and fall out of the air. i hate when we fly over something "neat" and ev-er-ry-one has to move to the side of the plane said thing can be seen and the plane tips and we all die. i hate that.

i come up with these stories in my head (except the last one. i swear, when we flew over that volcano in iceland THAT YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE BECAUSE IT WAS COVERED IN SNOW AND CLOUDSSSSS everyone in the plane got up out of their seats and went to the right side of the plane and i swear it tipped. SIT DOWN and DON'T MOVE) and then i break evan's hand and crush the arm rests because i am so stressed out.

i make myself sick over it. i got sick on the planes last year because i was so nervous. but this year, my trepidation started a good year, year and a half early. every time i would think of ethiopia...instant fear. it became so bad that i would tear up thinking about it. i had this tug-of-war in my heart. of wanting to go more than anything in the world, but then not knowing how to get there because i didn't think i could physically make myself get on a plane.


i don't know what clicked, but i finally realized this wasn't my problem. i remember realizing i needed to stop, be quiet, and lay it before God and instantly feeling a peace wash over me. instant relief. i had gone from one extreme to the other, and there was no more fear. now, i just don't want to sit in the same seat for 25 hours. but that's my own ADD's problem.

then, a dear friend of mine brought up some issue she had with our church going. and taking jobs of unemployed ethiopians. and told me to just send money. for a minute, i was like, "oh my gosh. we are." and then i slapped myself and didn't let her get to me. she's been. she knows exactly how it is there, so i don't know where this anger came from. but just sending money? don't even go there. how about let's work on their eternities and their nows?

that was trial two. where my heart was worried that what i was doing isn't good. because this time, we're building a church instead of working in the orphanage. long story. different day. but God healed that, too.


and then, the stress of raising the money. we chose to send letters to a select group of people to fundraise. i feel that since this is my 3rd trip, i should be well aware of the cost and i should be frugal in saving my money to go. if this is what i want to do, then i need to get myself there. evan feels that there are people who can't go, but want to, but helping someone else go is the next best thing. i call it, "i-have-a-problem-being-humble." so we sent out a few letters, God provided. then i quit my job, had surgery, we had car problem, and a million other monetarily depleting events happened. and suddenly,  we were hit with another struggle. for the same trip. i couldn't take it and i wasn't going to go...since i was the one who hadn't been working i only felt it was fair that evan should go and i would stay. i had the e-mail all typed out butevan convinced me on one more round of letters, and at the last minute i talked him out of it. again, IHAPBH. clinically diagnosed. but he did it anyway, and slapped me in the face with the donations that came rolling in.

i don't think that we [i] faced these struggles because satan was trying to get me to buckle. i mean, obviously he was. but i think more than that, God was teaching me. getting me to learn more about myself when times are tough. when there's no where to go, where am i going to go? it took me 12+ months to figure out this thing called trust. and to be humble enough to let someone else know my struggles. hence why i'm writing this blog a year later when i'm leaving today.

i found this blog about a fellow ethiopia lover who has the most beautiful amharic tattoo on her wrist.  it says "tesfa" which means hope. i felt my heart explode when i read her blog about hope because it was not her writing those words to my heart, but God. i was so amazed by the perfect timing that i didn't even realize (until she pointed it out, hilarious enough) that our orphanage is called "new hope."

i really like the letter "c." when i pick baby names, i tend to lean towards "c." my last name starts with "c." i use a lot of "c's" in my life. but God, His letter for me is "h."

Humble. 

Hope. 

Here.

those are the lessons i'm currently, and forever learning. see you in two weeks, dear friends.

you can follow along as i blog to my church (hopefully, internet willing) over the next two weeks, here.