Sunday, May 11, 2014

Motherhood//mother's day

The best part of me lies in a white slatted crib one room over. I tip toe through the house and try to contain myself to one room to not disturb him. They tell you to not do that. They tell you that if you're quiet then babies will be sensitive to noise and be horrible sleepers. They tell you a lot of things, a lot of things that can make you feel bad about yourself if you're not careful about it. They tell you not to rock them to sleep because then they become dependent on you to fall asleep. They don't tell you that the amount of time that they will let you rock them to sleep is faster than an infant's heartbeat and if you don't rock them to sleep then you will wonder where those naps and nights went and you'll be left with thirty one inches of baby who prefers sprawling out to cuddling close. (Good thing I rocked him to sleep all of those times.) And they'll tell you to never wake a sleeping baby but your husband will tell you that there is nothing more important than cuddling your baby at any time of the night. And that is why he will sometimes wake up to find me tip toeing into the nursery and carefully pulling the sleeping baby from the tangle of blankets and into my arms and wrapping myself around him in the rocking chair while I just hold his sleep warmed body for a few extra minutes.

The only truths they'll tell you is how you'll never be prepared for this. I stopped listening to their advice when I realized that I had a mother's intuition. I had this burning inside of me that woke me up to listen to Maddox's breathing as he coocooned himself in his swaddle. I felt it when he was a few days old and I couldn't bear to put him down for even a heartbeat. I feel it in the last moments of his nap when I feel him stirring and then sure enough he calls for me and cries until I carefully open the door of his room and see a standing boy reaching out his arms for his mama.

They were right. There isn't anything that could prepare me for those moments or the ones to come. They say that a child is your heart beating outside your body and they are right. I've experienced the unconditional love that comes with your flesh and blood and the pure thankfulness and joy that accompanies every smile, every laugh, every hug and every open-mouth kiss. I've experienced it and if they are only right about one thing, they were right about that.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mama's. May you feel loved and appreciated and cared for today and every day.

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