Mama

I wanted to be a mom my whole life. I wanted to have my own children and adopt children. I wanted my house to be filled with laughter and crayons and sippy cups and my fridge to be covered with pictures and spelling tests. I wanted tiny jammies with elephants and ducks and monkeys. I wanted the booties and the hats and the miniature things that make people squeal. I wanted the car seat in all of its 35 pound glory. I wanted the fleece blankets and the flannel blankets and the baby blankets from my childhood that my mom had stored in the attic.

But I wasn't prepared for the emotions. I wasn't prepared for my heart to stop every time I stood in the doorway to check on a sleeping baby and wait for the rise and fall on his chest. I wasn't prepared for the way my heart would swell and burst with every smile. I wasn't prepared for the way that his first laugh would split my entire soul in two and then just as quickly restore it. I wasn't prepared for the love my heart was capable of. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of an independent ten month old baby resting his head on my shoulder willingly. I wasn't prepared to hold my baby in my arms for the first time. I wasn't prepared to hear "mama" for the first time.

I wanted all of it but I wasn't prepared for any of it.

There's no manual that can tell you how your heart will burst one thousand times in the first minutes of new life. There's no manual that will tell you to prepare to be ruined and wrecked every single day.

My heart is tied up in the body of this 21 pound baby. This little man who prefers Kix over Cheerios and doesn't want to be rocked to sleep anymore. This baby who reaches for the things he wants, including people. This baby who hates having his feet covered. This little baby who crawls from room to room and loves to be chased. This little baby who gives millions of kisses to the baby in the mirror.

Every new thing. Every old thing. Every memory. Every breath. Smile. Laugh. Sound. Look. Pull of my hair. All of it. I feel it all in my heart. In this place that was awakened with his first breath.

I didn't know what it would be like to be a mom. But I am so glad for this chance to be one. If I only do one thing right, I hope that it's him.