here & now

I worked on the fourth floor of a gray building. Until they moved me to the fifth floor and the receptionist asked how she could help me, because she had forgotten who I was. I stared at a computer for eight hours a day unless I was making copies and putting papers into binders. Then I was rounding up binders and page protectors and those little white circle stickers to protect the holes on the side of the page. I researched drugs and what they do to the human body. Things like cocaine and heroine and methamphetamine. I built tables and graphs and typed document after document and studied medical records and bills. I did all of this to protect hospitals and insurance companies from sue-happy adults. I did it for two years.

I had lots of conversations and whine-filled sessions to my friends, to Evan, to my mom. I would complain about my lack of fulfillment, my wasted college degree, my job description that went unnoticed by everyone (because during a trial, no one hears about all the work that the medical record something something did, which, by the way, is basically all the work).

I had these grand dreams of working for a non-profit. Or being a teacher. Doing social work. Being a child advocate. I had a lot of "insteads." I just really felt like I was not able to help people. I wanted to make a difference and do something that mattered.

But I wasn't. I wasn't doing that.

I did a lot of job searching at my job. Looking for something bigger and better that would fill this hole in my heart. And I did a lot of praying, too.

And God answered. He answered my prayer for a job that mattered by giving me a son. I have a job now where I work in a grey house. My son recognizes me and smiles at me every time he sees me. I get to wear pajamas and sweats to work and crank the Britney Spears Pandora station all day. I get to take naps and play with blocks and a tambourine that plays exactly four songs. I get to make baby food and cook food for my husband. I am a mother and I am caring for another life. That's the most important job I'll ever have. I think it's quite obvious to say that I have not once thought about my next steps or where I need to go from here to get what I'm looking for.

This is it. This is what I was looking for.

I don't day dream about bigger and better anymore. This is my bigger. This is my better.

As I was rocking Maddox to sleep the other day this all hit me. It hit me in a way that only an answered prayer can. An answered prayer that took a little extra time, almost two years in fact. But it was so worth the wait. I think it's like knowing what you don't have, makes you a little more thankful when you achieve it. I was desperate for something that mattered. Which makes me not take a single moment for granted.

 and thank you to my amazing husband for snapping these beautiful pictures.