Friday, December 27, 2013

here & now

I worked on the fourth floor of a gray building. Until they moved me to the fifth floor and the receptionist asked how she could help me, because she had forgotten who I was. I stared at a computer for eight hours a day unless I was making copies and putting papers into binders. Then I was rounding up binders and page protectors and those little white circle stickers to protect the holes on the side of the page. I researched drugs and what they do to the human body. Things like cocaine and heroine and methamphetamine. I built tables and graphs and typed document after document and studied medical records and bills. I did all of this to protect hospitals and insurance companies from sue-happy adults. I did it for two years.

I had lots of conversations and whine-filled sessions to my friends, to Evan, to my mom. I would complain about my lack of fulfillment, my wasted college degree, my job description that went unnoticed by everyone (because during a trial, no one hears about all the work that the medical record something something did, which, by the way, is basically all the work).

I had these grand dreams of working for a non-profit. Or being a teacher. Doing social work. Being a child advocate. I had a lot of "insteads." I just really felt like I was not able to help people. I wanted to make a difference and do something that mattered.

But I wasn't. I wasn't doing that.

I did a lot of job searching at my job. Looking for something bigger and better that would fill this hole in my heart. And I did a lot of praying, too.

And God answered. He answered my prayer for a job that mattered by giving me a son. I have a job now where I work in a grey house. My son recognizes me and smiles at me every time he sees me. I get to wear pajamas and sweats to work and crank the Britney Spears Pandora station all day. I get to take naps and play with blocks and a tambourine that plays exactly four songs. I get to make baby food and cook food for my husband. I am a mother and I am caring for another life. That's the most important job I'll ever have. I think it's quite obvious to say that I have not once thought about my next steps or where I need to go from here to get what I'm looking for.

This is it. This is what I was looking for.

I don't day dream about bigger and better anymore. This is my bigger. This is my better.

As I was rocking Maddox to sleep the other day this all hit me. It hit me in a way that only an answered prayer can. An answered prayer that took a little extra time, almost two years in fact. But it was so worth the wait. I think it's like knowing what you don't have, makes you a little more thankful when you achieve it. I was desperate for something that mattered. Which makes me not take a single moment for granted.

 and thank you to my amazing husband for snapping these beautiful pictures.

8 loves:

  1. What an good story! Much love to much at the end

  2. He is just a doll. Seriously! I love his sweater and rosy cold cheeks.
    Babes make our entire world bigger, huh? :)

    1. the sweater. it kills me. we bought it as part of his Christmas outfit but he definitely wore it before then. we just couldn't not put it on him.

      and yes. life sure is better with them. that is a fact.

  3. First of all- these photos? *SWOON* He's ridiculously cute and with those rosy cheeks- melting over here.

    I understand about finding something to fulfill your heart. I like my job. I like my coworkers but something is missing. I know my dream is and I have made it a goal and I will achieve it soon.

    I am happy that you have your heart's desires fulfilled with your super cute bundle of adorableness :)

    1. thank you =]

      good for you, lady! that's how i was, too. for the most part. but i didn't know that this would be my happy ending. i'm so glad it is, though.

  4. What a beautiful and touching post.
    Such lovely photos as well.

    I am so glad that you have found your calling. I know you are such a wonderful, loving, caring mother and it warms my heart to know that this is everything you have ever wanted - and so much more. <3

    1. oh, thank you so much, danielle. your words are so kind and thoughtful. they brighten my day =]