Wednesday, July 18, 2012

on my heart;

i have been refusing to talk about africa because right now africa is on the other side of the world. it's over there and i'm over here and that is a long ways apart. it's not coming up in 5 months because i'm not on this years team.

there.

i said it.

i'm not on the team. i'm not going to africa this year.


i refuse to deal with this. i refuse to think about it. acknowledge it. understand it. work through it.

i refuse because it means that i won't get to have butterflies in my stomach while we drive up the dirt road and see the kids frantically lining up to sing to us and give us flowers. it means i won't have slobbery cheeks from all those kisses. it means i won't get to lay in the shade while someone braids my hair into dreads and sings sweet african songs to me. it means i won't get to see my sweet little jitu and see all the work God's been doing in her heart. it means i won't get to eat spaghetti saltada 3 times a day for 15 straight days. it means i won't get to practice counting to ten in amharic (aunt, oulet, sost, ahrat, ahmist, sehdist, sabat, sement...) [nine and ten get me every time!]. it means i won't get to chase the older kids around and tickle them until we're all crying in fits of laughter. it means i won't get to love on my little decho and teach him to not kick things. it means i won't get to walk with those kids and pray over them one on one. it means i won't get to hug all my neighbor kids through the barbed wire fence and sneak them treats until they've told the entire town of gouder that the ferengie have "caramela" and suddenly hundreds of people are yelling "laurdesa! laurdesa! caramela! caramela! laurdesa! give me caramela?" [that's how they say my name, if you were wondering.]


and all of that shatters my heart.



i don't want to deal with it because this is the first time since my church began taking teams to ethiopia that i won't be going. the first time. i knew the last time i went that i wouldn't be on the next team. God and i already had this talk. i knew it was coming. but that doesn't make it any easier.


so a few weeks ago evan and i went to lunch and we hadn't even sat down at our table when he said to me, "ihavetotellyousomethingit'snotbadbutihavetotellyou." just like that. then he spilled his guts about the two members of the team that had suddenly dropped out and if they could change the name on those two tickets we could be on the team.


the reason we're not on the team is because we need a financial break. it's like $7,000 for us to go. plus taking time off of work. plus raising that in a year. that's like $21,000 over the past 3 years. INSANE. we stress ourselves out trying to raise the money in time and still trying to live comfortably and still paying our bills [in that order, obviously].



the situation would be different if they could switch the names, but i shouldn't probably share a lot about that. just that we could make it work.

evan was  so excited. he was crying and ecstatic about the prospect of going back.

me, i don't know. he kept saying, "don't get your hopes up in case it doesn't work out." but all i could think was, "i wasn't supposed to go back. why is that changing now?" i wanted to puke and cry and kick something all at once. and i wanted to be excited because evan was excited. i wanted to FREAK my freaking FREAK about the chance to go home again. to go see our kids. to go back to the place where we feel so at home.


i prayed so hard over that. sitting at my work desk praying that God would either open this door or shut it real quick so i didn't have to sit in limbo and wonder whether or not i was going.

and as the day went on i started to get excited. it felt like a little bubble in my chest that i knew would burst with every correct and possible emotional response once i got that call that, yes!!! we were on the team!

but then initial reports didn't look good. and because of the way the church had purchased the plane tickets it wasn't possible to change the names. but she'd continue trying. but it wasn't looking good. but if we could come up with $7,000 in the next month we could go.



i had every correct and possible emotional response to this for 5 seconds. a 5 second cry and that was all.

but that 5 second cry changed my heart. something clicked and allowed me to accept the fact that i won't be going back to ethiopia this year. now when people ask me if i'm going back anytime soon, i can say with confidence and with a smile that i'm not. no more tears, no more running away to avoid that conversation because, well, people just don't understand how difficult $7,000 is to raise in about 9 months. and how missing one trip is sort of comparable to the end of the world.


and it's okay. obviously: i miss my kids like crazy. obviously: i'm sad i am not going to see them and even sadder for how upset they'll be. but i've been holding onto this sadness and anger and frustration with my inability to be there and i know that i should have been beyond angry that my hopes were dashed [but the truth is they really weren't] and that i was thisclose to going but now i have so much peace about the whole situation. my heart is completely changed and i know that it's finally OKAY.

there will be other trips. there will be a trip that's not on the church team where it's just evan and i and we sit in the grass for 10 days straight and love on those kids and we don't lift a single finger to do any sort of manual labor. there will be that. i think the lesson here is that i need to learn to be okay with not being in control and with not being everywhere at one time.


sorry, not sorry for the exorbitant amount of images. i can't stop/won't stop.

18 loves:

  1. I'm so sorry you all can't go to your home, but so glad that God has given you the peace and comfort about it, that you can face it and smile. It's hard not being able to go "home."
    And your stories about it and the pictures? Beautiful--simultaneously heartbreaking and heartwarming. Don't ever apologize for posting them :] They're treasures. <3

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    1. Thank you friend! It's been a rough ride but that's the faith and trust part I guess.

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    2. OMG will you SERIOUSLY be in San Franisco next July?!?!?! We'll be like two hours south of you! If you do go, a meet-up is a MUST!!! That would be the coolest EVER!!!! I'll never forgive you or myself if you come and this doesn't happen. I mean it. XD XD XD <--many happy faces cannot express my excitement.

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  2. My heart just broke into a million pieces. I just wish I could hug you right now!!!

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    1. You have so much empathy, it's such a beautiful thing.

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  3. I'm so encouraged and so proud of your faith and submission to the Lord's will for your life. Your honesty is SO real and so beautiful. And it's challenging and full of love. I LOVE YOU.

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    1. This just made my day. Thank you sweet girl! I needed to hear that so thank you for saying that! <3 love you!

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  4. you and evan are really so, so incredible. Your devotion is breathtaking. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all these big and difficult feelings. chin up, buttercup, things will improve soon.

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  5. A positive...you now have plenty of time to start saving for your next trip (whether with the church, or just you and Evan)! But it's pretty awesome that you can let that decision be in the hands of God and be okay with the outcome. It takes a lot of faith to trust that He will do whats right when you so strongly want something.

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  6. This made me cry. How incredibly powerful. And I am SO sorry. I know I can't know exactly what you're going through, but I really do relate. I miss some of my little kids in Korea so bad that it hurts. I miss one little boy so, so much that I can't even talk about him. I haven't seen him since 2008 and I was in Korea AFTER that, but couldn't track him down. I always promised I'd come back to see hm and then didn't. I feel so much guilt and this post just broke my heart. Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry. It really is a kind of grief. I know.

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  7. WOOWOWOW! You have such a heart for these kids. I guess I kind of knew it..but not to the extent you've described.. Oh sweet girl.. You have sooo much love and passion for these little ones...The Lord puts desires in our hearts, and you've seen those desires come to fruition...Maybe not this time around..However you have past memories to carry you to the next time you will see your beloved babes. And I pray it is soon! Nothing is impossible for Him! I pray He continues to give you peace about this and that you would always be conformed and waiting for His will...You're a peach!

    Love you mucho!

    Janette the Jongleur

    Janette the Jongleur

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  8. You are such a beautiful person, Larissa.
    I'm sorry that you aren't able to go, but glad that you have such an acceptance of the situation. Your heart must be the size of Texas.

    I wish I could send you there myself.

    I love seeings these photos, and I love reading how happy these darling children make you. It warms my heart. <3

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  9. {Internet hugs} I'm so sorry you don't get to go back this year, but I'm glad the decision is something you can live with now ($7,000 is SO hard to raise in 9 months...especially year after year, so no one should fault you for that!). I have no doubt you'll be with them in spirit and I'm sure you'll make it there again soon, wonderful lady! :)

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  10. you are such an amazing person. I'm sorry to hear that you won't be going back this year, but that is amazing you have been in the past, and geez $7000 is a lot of money to save up! The photos are beautiful, and so are all the children, how lucky you are to have them in your heart and memories! You truly are a beautiful soul :)

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  11. Loved all of the pictures! Your heart seems to be so great. I am going to Costa Rica in a few months to help with a school there, but even that trip is costly. I would do it every month if I could afford to.

    Beautiful post!

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  12. One of the hardest lessons to learn is letting go and letting God take control. I've recently struggled with this, but when you begin to accept that simple truth things start to make sense. You're an amazingly strong woman and my heart goes out to you for not being able to go to Ethiopia. Keep thinking positive thoughts :)

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  14. I'm sorry you're not getting to go back this year lady, my heart truly aches for you. I know the disappointment and unfairness ALL too well (I haven't been able to go back since 2008...but God didn't want me to. Not yet). But knowing God has a plan in all this even when we don't understand, even when it hurts the most...that's where you stretch and grow and learn acceptance. Where He closes one door, another opens.

    PS don't even THINK about not posting pictures of your darlings. Post them always. They're the cutest.sweetest.ever. You have such a beautiful soul. I'm praying for you guys!

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<3