Thursday, May 31, 2012

on my heart;

the term "friendship" is a hard pill for me to swallow. i grew up with more friends in my pre-school through senior year than i can probably remember. and not in the way of, having so many friends i don't know what to do with myself; but in the way of, a new, different friend every other week. there were lots of fights and tears and parties and events that i didn't get invited to. i spent a lot of time wading very carefully around the term "best friend" because i felt like it was a curse: label your best friend and watch the friendship crumble.

i maybe became sort of anti-friendship after high school. my only friend was evan who had his group of friends who welcomed me with open arms but who i kept at a distance, if only to prevent any possible discontent.

i found friends again. and i lost friends again. gain and loss. gain and loss.

i feel like there has always been this point i reach where friendships plateau and then begin their initial decent into disintegration. i still fear that calling someone my best friend is just asking to end that friendship, because it has never ceased to in my past.

but in no way is friendship a one way street and perhaps this is partially caused by the fact i would choose evan above all else. and it should be that way because he is my husband. but maybe i am just unable to find that balance between him and friendships.  but he is, and always will be my best friend. he will always come first. he is one of the only people i've ever felt comfortable around in complete silence. (which is how i judge you by the way. if our complete silence is awkward to me, it will probably not work out.) he is my person. and that is how it will forever be.

but i've learned that i need that female counterpart. i've done without one in the past, and although my husband will always hold the title of "best friend," i know myself and i know that i need that female spirit. who gets all things girl. who gets the mood swings and the absolute necessity of watching grey's every single week and the chocolate cake and decorating and the shopping. because those are the things evan rolls his eyes at. (chocolate cake? but it was just your birthday and you had chocolate cake then. is it thursday already? how do we have another grey's to watch? shopping? more shopping? you have an entire closet full of clothes and shoes and you do not need another dress. but i like that wallpaper. why can't we just leave it up? why do you need to have curtains and a bed skirt and 60 different pillows on the bed?)

so, when i read a story on amber's blog about the beginning of the relationship between her and her best friend, and how she prayed for a best friend i felt this tug on my heart. to be the other person (jo anna, in her case) and to know that you have this God-ordained place in her life because she has prayed diligently over you and for you. just, wow.  i desired that. how loved i would feel to know that God had chosen me to be someone's friend because they were crying out for that companionship.

so i began on that campaign. asking, praying, seeking for a best friend. this was november. i had friends. i had quite a few friends. but i just felt....empty. there was jealousy and bitterness and anger in some of those relationships. there were unresolved issues that were slowly eating away at the friendship. then there were evan's relationships, where i felt like the tag-a-long because those were his friends and i was "evan's wife." i prayed for all those relationships because no one wants to lose all of their friends and start over.

but i did lose friends and it took a long time to lose them. it happened slowly and painfully and it hurt. my heart broke in ways it hadn't before which caused me to lean close to my husband and our friendship and think, "this is enough." but i steadily remained in prayer for friendships, for healing and redemption in the friendships that i had lost, and strength in the ones that remained.

i am not outgoing. i do not scout for friends in my free time. i have my blog friends, where the relationship is easy and free and commitment-less. i have my real life friends, where the hard part of becoming friends has already taken place. but a lot of things began to happen. God worked. he knows my heart. he knows me. how difficult it would be for me to make new friends and to be the one to initiate those friendships. but he gave me three women, 1, 2, 3, in that order. cara, the sweetest person you'll ever meet who jumped headfirst into a friendship with me and who i feel like i've know forever. talking with her is natural and hilarious and i'm fairly certain she is my twin. amy, who has been my blog friend forever, but who has recently become a deeper friend, who has the biggest heart and the kindest spirit and who has been dealing with so many of the same issues that i have. we have this mutual understanding on so many levels and it's so refreshing. and danielle. who consistently has left me the kindest comments, who opened our friendship with the sweetest e-mail about how much she appreciates me and how we should text like little school girls, which we do (especially after a few drinks ;]] ).

i cannot even begin to grasp the way that these three have blessed me with their friendship. none of whom had any sort of idea of the perils my friendships were and had been standing on. these three who i had prayed so fiercely for, who felt compelled to hold a deeper friendship with me than just a "blog friend." 

and during this time, this new blooming of relationships, my real life relationships began to blossom as well. i felt the relationships i held with my dear friends erin & jess step to the next level. there wasn't some loud display of friendship, like a group hug or slumber party, but more like a silent connection happening. to where i felt a stronger friendship beginning. where God was strengthening those bonds and solidifying that these are good people. these are the people to keep around. these are my friends. erin, because i'm fairly certain that girl is my sister. probably because we fight like sisters and pick up where we left off without missing a beat. this girl just gets me. i've known her the longest and we've been through some ish together. and who also has the best nickname for me. and who sends me the best texts/voicemails [post drinks].  and jess, who started out as my couple friend, who has seen me at every hour of the day and is STILL my friend, who is maybe the only person on this planet that loves board games more than i do, who can insult me and apologize in the same breath, who has a heart of gold to it's core, has become more than just part of the other couple. who has become my friend, on her own, without her other half.

my mama always told me that it's okay to not have the same friends from day one. i read this post the other day, and although she is not talking about friendship, i think the concept still applies. we're constantly growing. it's just a matter of who will grow along side you, and who will turn in the opposite direction.

i'm seeing some answered prayers over here. and not just itty bitty miracles either. prayers answered in ten-fold. that God i serve is mighty and just. and i can honestly say that i went through a lot, and the resulting relationships that were forged were totally and completely worth it.



to all of my friends new and old: know that i have prayed for each one of you and i cherish your friendship and you each hold such a special place inside my heart. thank you for responding to that tug on your hearts. <3 

36 loves:

  1. Oh, my dear sweet Larissa.
    I am so glad that you feel the same way that I feel about you! This just warms my heart to no end.

    I completely understand the whole friend thing fizzling out.

    I am glad that your friends now are morphing into something magical. I am glad that your prays have been answered.

    & I'll be here. Always. Even if there comes a time where I go silent for a bit; I'll be waiting in the wings. <3

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    1. Thank you pretty girl! I am so, so thankful for our friendship and you have no idea how much you have blessed me. <3

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    2. <3
      Larissa you always write such thought-provoking posts for me. This Wednesday I will be posting something that was prompted by this post of yours! Oh yeah. Larissa & Danielle for the win!

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    3. Tried to reply and almost deleted your comment. ISSUES. I can read.

      Ok. Yes. Takin ova the worldddd! =] <333

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  2. Wow, thank you for posting.
    This has been on my mind a LOT.

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    1. I hope whatever friendship issues you have been dealing with are able to be resolved! <3

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  3. Wow Larissa! I can't even believe how similar I have been feeling lately! Or for my whole life as regards to finding a best friend. I had lots of guy friends growing up and a few girl friends but I haven't had that type of friendship in a LONG time. I have been praying for the right person to come along who understands my weirdness and is completely ok with who I am! It's good to know that God is truly faithful in answering the deepest desires of our hearts. Thanks for this encouraging post today!

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    1. Lady. We should hang out. I'm so sorry plans keep getting in the way. We will hang out, soon. I know exactly what you mean about being better friends with guys than with girls. Completely understand 100%. I feel like I was that way, too. Which is maybe why we connect so well with our men? I don't know. Friendships are hard and take a lot of work and girls can be so cruel. Let's be friends lady. BETTER friends. Srsly.

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  4. Larissa, I am so happy to hear that things are looking up and that you feel so happy! My best friend moved to Denver and most of my friends belong to my ex-boyfriend, luckily he is sweet enough to share. I get where you are coming from, it's a tough place. It always helps to know that other people feel the same!

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    1. Good thing he is willing to share! That happened to me as well when Evan and I had broken up for a while. All my (our/his) friends? Gone. So. It's good to have your own people.

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  5. all of this is adorable.

    BUT THEN THIS MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD:

    "chocolate cake? but it was just your birthday and you had chocolate cake then. is it thursday already? how do we have another grey's to watch? shopping? more shopping? you have an entire closet full of clothes and shoes and you do not need another dress. but i like that wallpaper. why can't we just leave it up? why do you need to have curtains and a bed skirt and 60 different pillows on the bed"

    ohhh hell yeah, I get THAT.

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    1. Hahahahahaha I know. Wallpaper from the 90's? No. Pillows and curtains and shams and bed skirts? Yes.

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  6. how amazing! what a lovely story, and i'm so glad you found some new best friends :) no matter how much support you have from your family/ significant other, i feel like there's something in having a good friend that can't be replaced. x

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    1. Thanks lady. So glad you get exactly what I mean. That signif other support is truly amazing but just friends. When you find good ones, keep em! =]

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  7. So, so happy that God has answered your prayers! Love this sweet story. You deserve the absolute best, you really do. :] Your transparency and honesty is a beautiful thing.
    Friendship doesn't come easy for me, either, but when true friends do come, it is such a blessing.
    Yay for answered prayers! :]

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    1. Seriously, twin, you get it. Friendships are so hard for me too! Like, I am no good at making new friends. But I want to be! I want to be outgoing and friendly but I'm not and that gets mistaken for bitchiness and rudeness. Boo. You're so sweet. I'm so freaking glad you're back!!!

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  9. OK I only felt a slight twinge of jealousy as I read of who you consider your besties.. Like.. On a scale of 1-10..The twinge was a 9:-/ But yeah.. Anyway... DUUUDE! I was JUST talking to Amy (A Girl Called Beloved) the other day about how I'm just disillusioned with women lately. And by women, I mean friends. Currently I'm just all about Lovey. He is my best friend and I don't need any others. But yet, I do yearn for the girlspeak on occasion. I've just been burned. I hardly trust people, and women are known for looselips and twofacedness and I just can't deal. Looselips, fake-ness, and ingratitude. Those are deal killers for me. I guess I just want to be friends with someone I can trust COMPLETELY with the darkest secrets of my soul (and not be judged for it) and also someone who will reciprocate kindness or at least express some genuine gratitude when it's called for. I mean, I know I'm not God's gift, but is that asking for too much? I don't think so.
    Anyway.. I'm glad that you have found some special ladies.I've found a few too..But there's always something that holds back me back..an instinctive defense mechanism. I always think, "I can't tell this friend everrryything cause we probably won't be friends in a few months or years and then they'll know everything about me.." HAHA! I've been hurt one too many times. GOSH! Does ANY of this make sense Larissa????!! HALP!


    Janette the Jongleur

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    1. Don't be jealous, I love you, too! Seriously, if I offended you I am sorry! =]

      I completely understand what you're saying. Yes, yes, yes. I hate Wondering if I can trust someone or not. And then not putting your all into the relat because you're not 100% trusting and you hold yourself back. I get it! I do that, too. Definitely feel that same way. Those 3 things are deal breakers for me, but it's just the meanness and cattiness and girl ways. You know. Gossip and junk. Yuck. At least you have your wonderful husband and I get the whole him being all you need. For sure! We're pretty blessed to have such amazing husbands, that is for sure.

      But yes lady. Totally get what you mean. I seriously hope that some friends come into your life who are good people who will love you and bless you with friendship and who will not turn around and prove this theory about girls right.

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  10. "something that holds back me back.." WHAT IN THE WORLD!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Sorry... You know what I mean..


    Janette the Jongleur

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  11. Hold up? What do you mean no slumber party. Group hug. Better watch your back. I might come give you a big bear hug or show up with my sleeping bag and pillow!

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    1. You wouldn't. If you did I would punch you. But you can come slumber party with me. I will allow it.

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  12. Oh. Hold up and in response to this ENTIRE post. I am RIGHT there with you. I absolutely love our friendship. Our oh...hiiii...it has been 3 weeks but let me just give you a real quick blip or tell you my drama...this absolutely ridiculous thing that happened...etc...it is my favorite. YOU are such a wonderful friend to ME even if we don't seem like it sometimes...YOU are one of my closest people...which says a lot...but you already know that. XOXO ♥

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    1. You're one of my people. Hahahaha can that be our thing? Thanks. I just love you. BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.

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    2. Yes. That can me OUR thing...I feel like we are Mer and Cristina...CLASSIC.

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    3. Except for a less annoying Mer because obviously.

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  13. Oh, this post is so much like my life. I went to school with the same girls all the way through high school and had a big group of friends that slowly began to dissipate once I left for college. We spent 99% of our time in college with Ryan's friends (who I consider my own, too, but I know what you're saying...to some degree, you're always "the wife"). Sometimes girl friendships just seem like so much work to sustain. I'm not outgoing and I'm absolutely terrible at small talk, so meeting new friends in our new home has been tough! I hope I'm lucky enough to find what you've found in your lovely friends :)

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    1. Me too. My friends kind of all went off and did their own things and I don't see or talk to many of them anymore which absolutely breaks my heart. But people grow up and grow apart. So, it's alright. I can't imagine having to move away and start over in a new location with the friend sitch. You have such an amazing personality and I hope
      You can make some best friends in Cali soon!

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  14. I'm really grateful for your openness here, because these are words I feel all the time. A year ago I left my friends behind to move back in with my family for reasons beyond my control...so my life is skype dates and phone calls and emails and snail mail, when I can. It gets old. You know.

    My boyfriend is great, but I don't have any girlfriends here (totally taking applications, ha). Like, just sayin. AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO BE A GIRL. In my case, I'm really missing someone to craft/thrift with. BUT HEY, I'm REALLY REALLY glad that God has moved in such an amazing way in your life, and that you've seen your prayers actively answered.

    It's a beautiful thing (:
    PS Cara is one of my new crazyloves, haha. She's great isn't she?

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    1. Isn't she great? She really is. =]

      I seriously cannot believe how many people feel this way! We should all learn to be nicer to one another and make more friends! I'm sorry your friendship is phone calls and Skype dates and letters and not hang out time and good girlfriend time. With crafts and shopping and chocolate cake (duh) but I hope that changes soon!

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  15. Ok can we please talk about how every word in that first paragraph just cut me to the core? This is exactly what I've been trying to describe to you lately and I couldn't have said it better. You totally made me tear up! I feel the exact same way! I told my mom that I feel so blessed to have you to pray with and LITERALLY text for four days straight and never run out of things to say! You have made thes hard days so much brighter! Thank you sweet soul sista!

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    1. Aw! <3 that makes my heart smile. I am so thankful for you and grateful for this sweet friendship! So glad you feel the samme way!

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  16. beautiful and encouraging post.
    i've always struggled with friendship and what it means to BE a good friend and what it looks like to have good friends. i don't think we'll ever get it 'right' and we're always learning.
    so glad you shared :)

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    1. I definitely needed to hear this. Thank you for posting this, sweet girl! I have just been so caught up that I've forgotten to just be patient and encouraging with people. Because we all make mistakes and YOU ARE COMPLETELY RIGHT, we probably won't ever get it completely right. Oh man, thank you so much for posting this! Xoxo

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<3