on my heart;

the term "friendship" is a hard pill for me to swallow. i grew up with more friends in my pre-school through senior year than i can probably remember. and not in the way of, having so many friends i don't know what to do with myself; but in the way of, a new, different friend every other week. there were lots of fights and tears and parties and events that i didn't get invited to. i spent a lot of time wading very carefully around the term "best friend" because i felt like it was a curse: label your best friend and watch the friendship crumble.

i maybe became sort of anti-friendship after high school. my only friend was evan who had his group of friends who welcomed me with open arms but who i kept at a distance, if only to prevent any possible discontent.

i found friends again. and i lost friends again. gain and loss. gain and loss.

i feel like there has always been this point i reach where friendships plateau and then begin their initial decent into disintegration. i still fear that calling someone my best friend is just asking to end that friendship, because it has never ceased to in my past.

but in no way is friendship a one way street and perhaps this is partially caused by the fact i would choose evan above all else. and it should be that way because he is my husband. but maybe i am just unable to find that balance between him and friendships.  but he is, and always will be my best friend. he will always come first. he is one of the only people i've ever felt comfortable around in complete silence. (which is how i judge you by the way. if our complete silence is awkward to me, it will probably not work out.) he is my person. and that is how it will forever be.

but i've learned that i need that female counterpart. i've done without one in the past, and although my husband will always hold the title of "best friend," i know myself and i know that i need that female spirit. who gets all things girl. who gets the mood swings and the absolute necessity of watching grey's every single week and the chocolate cake and decorating and the shopping. because those are the things evan rolls his eyes at. (chocolate cake? but it was just your birthday and you had chocolate cake then. is it thursday already? how do we have another grey's to watch? shopping? more shopping? you have an entire closet full of clothes and shoes and you do not need another dress. but i like that wallpaper. why can't we just leave it up? why do you need to have curtains and a bed skirt and 60 different pillows on the bed?)

so, when i read a story on amber's blog about the beginning of the relationship between her and her best friend, and how she prayed for a best friend i felt this tug on my heart. to be the other person (jo anna, in her case) and to know that you have this God-ordained place in her life because she has prayed diligently over you and for you. just, wow.  i desired that. how loved i would feel to know that God had chosen me to be someone's friend because they were crying out for that companionship.

so i began on that campaign. asking, praying, seeking for a best friend. this was november. i had friends. i had quite a few friends. but i just felt....empty. there was jealousy and bitterness and anger in some of those relationships. there were unresolved issues that were slowly eating away at the friendship. then there were evan's relationships, where i felt like the tag-a-long because those were his friends and i was "evan's wife." i prayed for all those relationships because no one wants to lose all of their friends and start over.

but i did lose friends and it took a long time to lose them. it happened slowly and painfully and it hurt. my heart broke in ways it hadn't before which caused me to lean close to my husband and our friendship and think, "this is enough." but i steadily remained in prayer for friendships, for healing and redemption in the friendships that i had lost, and strength in the ones that remained.

i am not outgoing. i do not scout for friends in my free time. i have my blog friends, where the relationship is easy and free and commitment-less. i have my real life friends, where the hard part of becoming friends has already taken place. but a lot of things began to happen. God worked. he knows my heart. he knows me. how difficult it would be for me to make new friends and to be the one to initiate those friendships. but he gave me three women, 1, 2, 3, in that order. cara, the sweetest person you'll ever meet who jumped headfirst into a friendship with me and who i feel like i've know forever. talking with her is natural and hilarious and i'm fairly certain she is my twin. amy, who has been my blog friend forever, but who has recently become a deeper friend, who has the biggest heart and the kindest spirit and who has been dealing with so many of the same issues that i have. we have this mutual understanding on so many levels and it's so refreshing. and danielle. who consistently has left me the kindest comments, who opened our friendship with the sweetest e-mail about how much she appreciates me and how we should text like little school girls, which we do (especially after a few drinks ;]] ).

i cannot even begin to grasp the way that these three have blessed me with their friendship. none of whom had any sort of idea of the perils my friendships were and had been standing on. these three who i had prayed so fiercely for, who felt compelled to hold a deeper friendship with me than just a "blog friend." 

and during this time, this new blooming of relationships, my real life relationships began to blossom as well. i felt the relationships i held with my dear friends erin & jess step to the next level. there wasn't some loud display of friendship, like a group hug or slumber party, but more like a silent connection happening. to where i felt a stronger friendship beginning. where God was strengthening those bonds and solidifying that these are good people. these are the people to keep around. these are my friends. erin, because i'm fairly certain that girl is my sister. probably because we fight like sisters and pick up where we left off without missing a beat. this girl just gets me. i've known her the longest and we've been through some ish together. and who also has the best nickname for me. and who sends me the best texts/voicemails [post drinks].  and jess, who started out as my couple friend, who has seen me at every hour of the day and is STILL my friend, who is maybe the only person on this planet that loves board games more than i do, who can insult me and apologize in the same breath, who has a heart of gold to it's core, has become more than just part of the other couple. who has become my friend, on her own, without her other half.

my mama always told me that it's okay to not have the same friends from day one. i read this post the other day, and although she is not talking about friendship, i think the concept still applies. we're constantly growing. it's just a matter of who will grow along side you, and who will turn in the opposite direction.

i'm seeing some answered prayers over here. and not just itty bitty miracles either. prayers answered in ten-fold. that God i serve is mighty and just. and i can honestly say that i went through a lot, and the resulting relationships that were forged were totally and completely worth it.

to all of my friends new and old: know that i have prayed for each one of you and i cherish your friendship and you each hold such a special place inside my heart. thank you for responding to that tug on your hearts. <3