Friday, April 27, 2012

closure.

I’ve been suffering from discontent in my heart and soul for the past few weeks. I can’t seem to shake this feeling that’s bearing down on me. I know exactly where it came from, I know exactly why but I cannot make it go away. A few weeks ago someone blindsided me with some not very nice things and out of nowhere, really. And those not very nice words planted a seed of doubt. These little seeds of worthlessness and failure and hatred of myself. These horrible, horrible things that dug deep into my heart and latched on and then spread like wildfire. I doubted myself at every turn, because that’s what you do with these kinds of things.  You’re not good enough, you're told, and you start to believe it.

I just kind of meandered through my days, knowing that these things aren’t true, but not really believing that. But it’s not enough to know that about yourself when you wonder what the rest of the population thinks.  How the rest of the world sees you. It’s not supposed to matter, but we know that it does. It does matter because you know that you’re not fake, you know that you’re not hypocritical and you know that you care.  But then there’s that person, that, for whatever reason, is jealous or angry or upset or spiteful or vengeful.  There’s that person that plants tiny little words of doubt into the person you thought you were, but now you’re not so sure.  And if that’s how they see you, then what about the rest of humanity?  These things become lies. Evil little, dirty little lies. These are the things you once knew:  I make mistakes and I am the farthest thing from perfect, but I am not useless. I am not worthless. I am not alone. I am created in God’s image and he would not create something that He did not love. But it’s completely a different thing to feel these seeds of doubt and deceit sprout up and curl their vicious tendrils around that little spot where all your emotions hide. And for them to kill off those things you once knew and replace them with the things you now know: I am worthless.  I am useless.  I am alone.

And to take these things back, to gain control in shifting sand you have to reach out. You have to listen to the God who is quiet, but He is there. He breathed new life into the dark through Evan.  Through my husband who has to say nice things to me because he is my husband, but I knew that those were not his words.

It’s kind of like spring time, when you pull all the dead vines off the side of your house and rip them from the chain-link fence. You trim back the parts of the trees and bushes and plants that have died during the harsh winter and you are left with new blooms. If you scratch the surface of that branch a little bit of green shows through. That’s new life. It’s a bit of a dramatic analogy. But aren’t you always surprised when you were just sure that your favorite bush didn’t make it through the frost and the snow and the below zero nights? But there it is, thawing out with the rest of the world. There, too, are the truths. Hidden below the dead branches and the brown leaves. It’s going to take some time to clean up and to restore, but it’s alive.  It’ll be okay.

I’m not suffering with depression. I don’t hate myself. I know these things to be true: I am useful. I am productive. I am kind. I am not alone. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Those other things, those did not come from a place of truth or a place where healthy emotions would thrive and flourish.


Emotions are messy and I don’t like them. I find myself at a loss for what I should do when someone is having an emotion around me. I should be an encourager and a friend and I should have positive things to say. But I don’t like emotions. I don’t like to be honest about how I’m feeling. I don’t like to get down and dirty with other people’s emotions because it usually involves personal space invasions and a lot of touching—two of my least favorite things. But that’s not the point.  The point is that I shouldn’t be comfortable where there is suffering. I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I can be there for you. I am going to be intentional with my words. To not speak my mind because it’s exactly that; but to allow my words and my emotions to come from my heart where they will only build people up, not knock them down. I’m going to be intentional and forgiving and loving.  I’m going to regrow and I will be okay and I will be able to forgive and I will be able to forget and other things will happen that will start this process again but I will not falter because I know these things to be true: I am useful. I am productive. I am kind. I am not alone. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

18 loves:

  1. I know how it feels to cry every single day for months and yes, that sucks but hiding emotions sucks even more. Laugh, cry, scream... our emotions make us who we are. Same for both, the good and bad feeling one day they go away without asking you if they could.

    You are strong and you can go on no matter what occurs. Every obstacle is there only to make you even stronger. Head up and live on! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that, the "One day they go away without asking you if they could."

      You're exactly right. Stuffing emotions down and then piling the rest of life on top does not make them go away nor does it make them better. Thank you for your wise and sweet and pretty words.

      Delete
  2. hey !
    you know.. i just listened to a sermon called "casting down strongholds" (http://www.ibethel.org/podcast/2012/04/03/casting-down-strongholds) and he talks a LOT about how we have these ridiculous lies in our heads and little by little they wear us down, destroy our true identities and we live as very hurt people.

    larissa, Christ lives you! you have the authority to cast down all the things that are trying to destroy you. it takes some time to practice.... i know because i go through the same things!

    and this is very embarassing... hahah but i'm reading Joyce Meyer's "do your self a favor and forgive" it was on the "new release" section at the library and felt it was something i should read. its so good and really helping me to deal with a lot of frustrations and unforgiveness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh man, forgiveness is haaaard! i know, i find myself saying it but not practicing it. i'll have to check out the book and the sermon. thank you so much for the recommendations!

      Delete
  3. I feel like I'm almost in the same boat as you. I've been feeling discontent and generally frustrated for the longest time now, it feels like. It's hard to get out of this emotional hole we sometimes let ourselves fall in to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Truth. Sorry you're feeling that way lady! I hope it clears up soon <3

      Delete
  4. girl, you are so wonderful. It's not even funny. I love how you can always see the positive in bad situations.
    It's sad how the teeny tiniest of comments can affect the way we perceive ourselves, and we let that split moment turn into an everlasting self consciousness, or self-hate. It's really hard to get those thoughts out of your mind and just ignore them. You're doing an awesome job by recognizing that the first step is to really ignore these comments, or just remind yourself they simply aren't true.


    Love you girl! I'm praying for you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVE YOU <3. you're amazing. you seriously are. AND IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

      Delete
  5. This is such an amazing post, so well written and so much truth behind it.
    It is such a terrible thing when someone's untrue words grow doubt within ourselves. I am so very glad that you have found your way out of the hole that the person created within your psyche. It's hard, to face that and to wonder what the rest of the world thinks. Sometimes people are cruel, and they attack innocent people with the things that the cruel person thinks about themselves, their fears.

    It's hard to open up with our own emotions, let alone deal with others. I will hide my emotions down for what seems like a decade, but with others I am there dealing with theirs while mine just sort of hover in the sea of myself. I feel as though my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't burden anyone else.

    Don't let them bring you down, Larissa. You are truly such an amazingly beautiful person inside and out. Your soul sparkles in ways that you will never fully grasp.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh, thank you Danielle. it is hard and it sucks but i'm trying to get over it and move on and be okay with MYSELF first. putting the truth where it belongs and not listening to the things that other people say.

      i feel the exact same way about emotions. it's easier (but not EASY) to deal with other people's than with my own. i don't want to burden someone with something that seems like SUUUCH a big deal to me and to them is so frivolous. we're on the same wave length, girl!

      thank you so much for your sweet comment. YOU ARE truly beautiful and i know that you have such a beautiful heart and soul. you're kind and friendly and you always have the nicest things to say. so thank you for being so uplifting and kind!

      Delete
  6. Thank you for your openness. You are so a wonderful, beautiful person. I know we've never met, but your writing says it all. Hold on to the truth, no matter what nasty lies sneak in. Just because someone is a blind jerk doesn't mean the rest of the world is cursed with the same blindness. Unfortunately, the rotten words seems to be the ones that stick, sucking away like parasites while, suddenly, all the good words seem to bounce off, never taking root. Don't let them take root.
    You're really something special, Larissa, a ray of sunshine in the gloom. Remember that :]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank youuuuu! I'm so glad you're back to blogging! It's so hard to remove one person from everyone else, but you're so right. They aren't the whole world. These are hard lessons to be learned, for.sure. It's stupid how easy it is for those mean words to get in and under your skin but the good ones just slide on off and never even have a fighting chance. You're such a wonderful girl, Sarah, thank you so much!

      Delete
  7. I have nothing insightful to say because you said it all Larissa. But you are wonderful and I just love your blog! You are kind. And beautiful. And it shows.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha =] thanks sweet girl! You're so kind!

      Delete
  8. Riss. Hey. Girl. Hey. I was reading your blog. I FOUND TIME. I am kind of behind on my entire social life. Oops. Social as in websites...plus actual social. I read this...and you just remember. Lots of love coming from this girl! I just watched The Help and was reminded of these 6 words. Repeat them to yourself every morning. It's how I get through my days. 'YOU KIND, YOU SMART, YOU IMPORTANT.' That's coming from a white woman...quoting a black lady. For real though...you are SO kind and SO amazing and SO IMPORTANT. Don't let anyone bring you down! Let them hate. :) ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey soul mate Hey. Did you see that quote on my IG?! Unmmmm need to see the movie, but I love love love the book. <3 haters gone hate. That's me being black. Because we are. I'm being not social, too, don't worry. You at least have an excuse with two jobs. I'm a lazy sack of bones and grumpy. Girls night SOONamen.

      Delete
  9. Wait. What??? Someone said something mean to you? LET ME AT THEM! What's their address?
    Janette, the Jongleur

    ReplyDelete

<3