heavy boots

i'm worn out and exhausted. i'm fighting a battle i know nothing about for reasons i can't comprehend. i'm beaten down and trampled on. i'm pretty good at holding it together when i need to. i don't like to be hugged, which is exactly what people need to do when they see you having a nervous breakdown at your desk at 3:00 pm. so i buried my face in a stack of paperwork when i heard the shuffle of footsteps, and let the tears just stream down my face. and i didn't get hugged once. but i so, so needed it. there's that little piece inside of you that just wishes someone would stop and ask if you're okay, and truly mean it. not the how-are-you as their 50 feet away, finethanksbye. and only after i let myself carry the weight of everything i've been holding for the past few weeks, only after i burdened that alone, did i realize it would be nice to have a shoulder to help carry all that.  but i'm the type of person who refuses to ask for help. if it's something i'm completely capable of doing, such as talking myself down from a situation that has no business being in my work space at anytime ever, then i got this. i don't need to ask for help because i have pride and i can do this. i can do this on my own and let. me. do. it. but i can't. oh my gosh, i cannot. i have heavy boots. about ethiopia. about starting school. about this summer. about easter. about trust. about trusting no one. about how i bawl every time i see anything ethiopia at church (people are starting to point and stare. oh, look. there's that crying girl again.) about too much to worry about.......onmyown.

cast all your cares on him for he cares for you. 1 peter 5:7