Wednesday, April 4, 2012

heavy boots

i'm worn out and exhausted. i'm fighting a battle i know nothing about for reasons i can't comprehend. i'm beaten down and trampled on. i'm pretty good at holding it together when i need to. i don't like to be hugged, which is exactly what people need to do when they see you having a nervous breakdown at your desk at 3:00 pm. so i buried my face in a stack of paperwork when i heard the shuffle of footsteps, and let the tears just stream down my face. and i didn't get hugged once. but i so, so needed it. there's that little piece inside of you that just wishes someone would stop and ask if you're okay, and truly mean it. not the how-are-you as their 50 feet away, finethanksbye. and only after i let myself carry the weight of everything i've been holding for the past few weeks, only after i burdened that alone, did i realize it would be nice to have a shoulder to help carry all that.  but i'm the type of person who refuses to ask for help. if it's something i'm completely capable of doing, such as talking myself down from a situation that has no business being in my work space at anytime ever, then i got this. i don't need to ask for help because i have pride and i can do this. i can do this on my own and let. me. do. it. but i can't. oh my gosh, i cannot. i have heavy boots. about ethiopia. about starting school. about this summer. about easter. about trust. about trusting no one. about how i bawl every time i see anything ethiopia at church (people are starting to point and stare. oh, look. there's that crying girl again.) about too much to worry about.......onmyown.

cast all your cares on him for he cares for you. 1 peter 5:7

11 loves:

  1. the best I can do right now is a virtual*hug*.
    I am like you. I carry burdens with me until they build up and I eventually explode with emotions.

    Listen to the song "Come all you weary" by Thrice.
    "Lay down your burdens, find rest for your souls"

    love you girl

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry, Larissa. I wish I could give you an actual hug. I understand that whole "not wanting to ask for help" aspect. But, the good thing is you talked about it on here.

    Please, if there is anything at all I can do let me know. I care about you, even if you are a million miles away and I never met you i.r.l.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Katie-thank you so, so, so unbelieveably much. You have no idea how much I needed that. You are so sweet and I just so appreciate you saying something and your virtual hug. I love you back! <3

    @danielle-sweet girl, thank you do much. Your words are so encouraging and I absolutely love that we've built a relationship with our words and that it's strong enough for you to say those things. I care about you as well and I just thank you for your unendingly sweet comments. Always. <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. wow, this is so beautifully written. I am so sorry you are down in the dumps right now. but if it weren't for these moments, we wouldn't know happiness. I'm the same way- I don't like to ask for help, and I am a perfectionist.. so i have to do everything to the tenth power. At times it is wearing- and at times I would just make myself ask for help. ha. Hang in there!!! xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Larissa, I love so, so much what we have built via our worlds and blogs as well. You are such an amazingly, sweet and caring person. I'm so glad for our connection.

    ReplyDelete
  6. wow i am in love with the way that you write! i definitely needed to reed this today! hang in there! xo

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry Larissa! Gosh I know exactly what you mean! My workplace used to be a lot more caring than it is now and I can't stand it! What happened to people who ask how you are and genuinely care? Sending you cyber hugs and if you need a listening ear, I'm just and email away! For real! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. This makes me so sad for you. I hope things take a turn for the better soon!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOVE the title of this post. But so sad for why it's written. I'm so so happy we have each other's blogs now, because you're such a sweetheart. I'm so excited to get to know you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. @cara- I knew you would, girl! So funny that we both have this book on our blog recently! I'm pretty sure it's my favorite way to describe my crummy moods.

    ReplyDelete

<3