Broken is hard to fix.

"We write to patch things up,
maybe not to agree but to proclaim love.
Let's look ahead and then we'll see the One
whose glory never ends.
And based on that we'll see,
there'll be room for change, but gradually.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix."

Embers and Envelopes, Mae

Today, I woke up to a white envelope shoved in my mail box. (I have one of those annoying mail boxes that are just a slit in the side of your house. And I want to seriously patch that hole up and get a real mail box.) I knew I had a letter coming but I hesitated before I opened it.

And this is what was inside:

It's my new prayer card for Roza.


I get these random urges to adopt a child right. now. Seriously, if I had the money and the marriage experience under my belt I would be the first person in line. I don't think it's possible to want to adopt more than I do. When I get these urges I forget that I've only been married for five months and I'm only 22. I just don't care. I feel the need to do more with my life, right now.

And things like this come and reopen my healing heart. Or the dreams I get on a weekly basis. Is it a coincidence that I had a dream about Roza last night and then received this in the mail? In my dream, I was holding and rocking her and crying. There was a lot of crying.

I miss that little girl. So much.

This morning while I was getting ready, Evan turned his itunes on and I heard the most beautiful lyrics. I tried to memorize them but now I have forgotten. I am pretty sure it was a song by Mae, so I went through all the Mae songs I know looking for the lyric. And then I found this one. "Let's look ahead and then we'll see the One whose glory never ends. And based on that we'll see, there'll be room for change, but gradually." How could it not get any more perfect than that? There will be room for change, but gradually? Clearly this feeling isn't going to go away within a week. Or a month. And I'm sure every single time I go back to Ethiopia, I'll be hard. But there is One whose glory never ends.

It's going to be okay.

 

I love you, sweet girl.