Saturday, April 9, 2011

Three to Four Months.

Last night, after visiting Grandpa and hearing the diagnosis we decided to go to dinner as a family. I was sitting in the lobby of Red Robin, staring off into space because Evan was playing Ms. Pac Man and my in-laws hadn't arrived yet. I suddenly had this thought pop into my mind, that wasn't just a thought. It wasn't just a thought someone at some point has probably asked, causing you to put a little more thought effort into it. It felt like a reality. For a brief moment, I felt like someone had told me that I had three to four months to live.

Would I be sitting here at Red Robin? Or would I make Evan take me to Thai food for the rest of my life because it is my favorite and he always refuses? My initial response was how many times would I want to do something, since I know my days are limited. (That is such a weird response. Like if I'm laying on my death bed saying "I only got Olive Garden one time this week I need more!!!" Please slap me?)

And then I snapped out of it and that moment was gone. It was just another question I could answer, it no longer felt like a reality.

I can't decide if it's a blessing, or not; knowing that your days are numbered. Obviously they are, but would you want to know that in about four months you'll be gone? Would you live your life a little more? Or would you just put it off because maybe the prognosis is wrong?

If I had four months, I probably wouldn't let Evan out of my sight. So many things I want to do with my life are long term goals. I want to have kids, I want to adopt, I want to own my own home, I want to see my kids graduate, and watch them get married, and have grandbabies. These things aren't 3-4 month goals. So I don't know how I would live my life. 

So I know how I should be living my life. Living it like there isn't much time left. Taking as much out of each day as I can. Getting out of bed before 1:44. Telling Evan I love him about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth. Getting ready. Doing things. Saving money. Spending money. Having friends. Being a friend (which I suck at lately). Going places. Being different. Trying new things. Trying new places. Being kind. Loving.

I should do things in the moment, but look to the future. I should reevaluate my goals and plans for my life so that not everything I look forward to is (ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE DAYS AWAY!) five, ten, fifteen years down the road. So that my life is happening daily.

So that in three to four months, I can look back and be happy with the way I lived my life.

3 loves:

  1. Such an interesting and challenging thought. Keep us posted on those four months! :]

  2. I think I'm going to do some sort of challenge for myself!

  3. I'm sorry to say I'm the opposite. Long term is fuzzy but I have self-diagnosed depression, kindof. So to keep myself happy, I try to do things daily that make me happy.

    How is Evans grandpa?