A few years ago, Evan and I were watching a super boring movie in his room. I looked around at all of his things: his clothes, his pictures, the Bears paraphernalia on the walls, his computer, shoes, his notebooks and writings, and everything else that was his. Suddenly I was overcome with this terrible feeling that if Evan were to pass away, I would have to get rid of his stuff.
It's just stuff. I get rid of stuff all the time. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I couldn't handle it. Knowing that I would have to get rid of all these things, these things that hold memories, made me so, so sad. For a long time I couldn't get that feeling out of my mind. I constantly thought about what that would be like and how incredibly hard that would be.
And last night I had this terrible dream. It didn't involve Evan dying, but it could almost just be the same thing. I woke up at 5:30 petrified that Evan was gone, but there he was, sound asleep next to me. But for what seemed like hours, I had been dreaming that our marriage had ended just a few short months after being married. When I finally worked up enough courage to ask him why we were no longer married, I think the exact words I used were "What happened to 'til death do us part?'", he told me he was no longer in love with me. As dreams go, Evan turned into an ex boyfriend and I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore either. I don't know what was scarier, realizing I was equalizing Evan and an ex in my dream, or the fact that he had left me. (Um, jk)
The dream continued on its weird and twisted path, most of which I've forgotten now, but I just remember the entire time constantly thinking, "I'm divorced." It was just this numb feeling in the front of my mind that was so real.
Of course, writing this all out sounds so ridiculous. But it was one of the most real dreams I've ever had. And for the few moments when Evan was actually Evan in my dream, it was so hard to truly feel that alone feeling.
Jamie and I were talking the other night about people, our age or maybe a little older, who have lost a spouse. We used to work with a girl whose husband died 2 months after they were married in a plane crash. And someone else she knows became a widow when her husband suddenly passed away one afternoon.
It absolutely terrifies me to think that I could lose Evan just as easy as they lost their husbands. One moment you're talking about having kids or arguing about who didn't change the toilet paper roll and the next, he's gone. And you probably don't realize that saying "goodbye" could really be "goodbye." You always really mean, "See you soon." And how are you to know that the angry words, or refusing to kiss him goodbye, could really be the last thing you did (or didn't do) when you were together.
It breaks my heart to think about it. And to realize that someday I'll have to let go.
